The Facts – An Ugly, Heaping, Pile of Shit

I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging for a long time. I’m not an exceptional writer or story-teller, but I have lived a lot in my short 29-years of existence. I’m hoping that by writing, I may be able to piece together my sense of self again. Pen to paper doesn’t seem to hold my attention unless I’m writing a never ending list of things I need to do. My handwriting can’t seem to keep up with my thoughts and by the time it catches up, I’ve forgotten where my thoughts started anyway. When I type, I can ramble eternally and go back and insert sentences and structure where it’s meant to be.

For now, I will be doing this anonymously. Any names I use will be changed from their original. Although, I’m sure anyone who knows me well at all will be able to tell who I am.

As for who I am – I’m a 29-year old woman living on the West Coast. I’ve gone to college and culinary school, but have graduated neither. I have lived in 6 states and have traveled much of the world. I have been in the food, craft beer, & hospitality industry my entire life, having never held a job outside of it. I’ve interned for a potato processing company, climbed the ranks in the FOH of full service restaurants (server, bartender, training manager), worked as a line cook, kitchen manager, and GM. Most recently I became a co-owner of a well established Brewery and was the operator and General Manager of the Brewhouse. I’ve been able to do things I never thought I’d be able to experience or achieve. It is an industry I’ve loved and poured myself into, but it hasn’t loved me back. Over the past two years, my passion has deteriorated completely. It’s gone. Due to that, among many other things that will become apparent as this blog progresses, I left my company. Walked out. Abandoned ship…

It’s embarrassing and I’m not proud of it. I’m downright ashamed of it. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I hurt a lot of people. But something broke inside of me. One morning I woke up and I didn’t know how I had gotten home. And then I realized, I hadn’t been to work in 10 days. As alarming as that may sound, those facts were not the things that worried me at the time. What shook me to my core were the thoughts that flowed through me loudly, clearly, and effortlessly in that moment. I knew I had to get help immediately. So, even though it has undoubtedly torn my reputation apart, it was the only choice to be made. The past two years (through present) have been the most difficult of my life, and I no longer recognize myself.

I’ve been unemployed for three months now, trying to recover. I feel extremely lucky to have the ability to take some time off to focus on myself – something I’ve never done in my life. I feel guilty and undeserving of it all the time, but I keep doing it because I need it.

So far, I’ve been to two private therapy retreats. I’ll explain more on this later, but the important part is that I was given two possible diagnoses to explore with a therapist. One is Bipolar 2, the other is Borderline Personality Disorder. One is easier to diagnose and treat, the other is a psychologist’s worst nightmare. Look ’em up.

Bottom line, I have a mental illness. I don’t know what it is yet, but it’s there, everyday, giving me hell.

Thus, blogging. Journaling is a tool used in therapy to keep track of your thoughts, sleep patterns, habits, etc. I’ve bought many in my lifetime and they always stayed empty. I suspect many of my posts are going to be dark in content because that’s just where I am right now. What I hope is that it doesn’t stay that way. There is also a good possibility that this is the only post I ever write. I hope not. If I can squeeze out a few posts a month I’ll be pretty happy with myself.

Oh yeah… beer. If I make it past this first post, one of the topics I will likely be discussing is alcohol. I’m either going to end up sober by the end of next year, or I’ll be posting pictures of beer from my cellar every now and again. I was one of the biggest craft beer nerds/enthusiasts out there. I had a pretty successful social media account for a while, and was passionate about teaching people. My roommates built a nano brewery in my garage this year, and I have a massive cellar in my basement that has largely gone untouched over the course of the last two years. I’m either going to be giving it all away or enjoying it slowly. Time will tell.

The picture above was taken at the bottom of the Grand Canyon during a rafting trip. Spring 2012.