A Friend – What is it?

Relationships – platonic, familial, professional, romantic – have always been tricky for me. Unless related to me, my attempts at growing deep, permanent roots with another person have been relatively unsuccessful. I think abandonment is a true fear of mine. This has been a recent realization, although as I look back on my life I can see myself controlling that emotion more and more. I’ve allowed myself to become brokenhearted in friendships and partnerships so many times that I come to expect it. I’m sure this effects my relationships on levels I’m not even aware of.

It has now been five months since I’ve held a job. I have all but isolated myself; this has become the least social moment of my life. I used to go out every day of my life. In fact, the very nature of the hospitality industry requires you to be very social and that was the part of my job I loved the most. The community that a restaurant or bar can create is special and was my driving motivation to pursue this industry as a full time career. At this moment, I want to be as far away from that as possible.

Depression is a son of a bitch. In the past 5 months I’ve gone weeks without leaving the house and days without leaving my bed. The idea of seeing another person left me paralyzed with anxiety at times. It could take me a week to build up the courage to make a scheduled appointment, and days to look at an email or text. In the periods of time leading up to accomplishing these tasks, I would incessantly beat myself up about it:
‘You are worthless’, ‘No one else has a problem with this!’, ‘What is wrong with you?!’, ‘Just do it already’, ‘I can’t’, ‘What if they think of me like [insert any manner of judgement]’, ‘No wonder you failed at _______’, ‘No wonder no one loves you’, ‘Why do you even bother?’, ‘I just want this to end’, ‘What’s the point of trying?’
I could go on forever. Then come the tears, then comes the self-criticism of the tears, then comes the sleepless nights of tireless circles of negative thoughts that I cannot turn off, then comes the drinking to shut them off, then comes the morning after (or late afternoon, depending on when I finally fell asleep) and self loathing.

So, when this is the sort of thing that you’re going through, how do you get out of it? I have no answer for this. For me, it is like a light switch. For months I will be fine – can even find moments of happiness, excitement, and joy. Then, suddenly, I will be in the depths of a deep depression that can last for even longer. In the past year, my good moments seemed to last about 6 weeks at a time, while my depression would last for several months and reached levels I had never experienced before.

There are a few things I have done since my self-proclaimed “rock bottom” moment that I think have helped:

One.   The first, and probably most important thing I did, was I asked for help. I called my parents to say I needed real and immediate help. I knew I wanted to go somewhere – I didn’t know where, but I needed someone to take care of me. I know that sounds weak and pathetic. Asking for help is not something I do very often, and I was desperate in this moment. The same day I called my parents, I flew out to stay with my father until we figured out my next move. My father, mother, and I spent 10 days researching and forming a plan…

Two.   I ended up at an inpatient style, all women therapy retreat for two weeks. I cannot explain how much I needed to do this. It helped me immensely. I didn’t have to focus on working, cooking, cleaning, planning (or not planning) my day. It provided structure that I was craving but couldn’t provide myself at the time. I did 52 hours of therapy in 2 weeks. It stopped the bleeding, so to speak. I turned 29 during that time.

Three.   I found a temporary home for my dogs. I could barely remember to feed myself, let alone my two elderly animals. I cannot imagine what it’s like to go through this while having children. To have anyone or anything constantly need you in such a way is debilitating when you know that in the moment, you’re not capable. My mother took my animals into her home for 3 months. I am very grateful for that. I often think of what I would have done without her help.

Four.   I started private yoga sessions twice a week as soon as I got home. I know these solutions sound like they’re for the privileged (‘Bougie as fuck’ as my friend would say), and on the surface they are. But I attribute most of my forward mobility (as little as it may be) in my mental health to these yoga sessions. For many weeks, this was the only thing I left the house for. Private yoga (meaning one on one instruction) was something offered twice a week at the therapy retreat I went to and it was wonderful. One thing I gained from private vs group was the focus on quieting and slowing the mind during practice. It was the only thing that seemed to boost my mood in anyway. When I left the retreat, for many reasons I wasn’t ready to find a regular therapist. So I found a yoga instructor instead. I think it is one of the most essential things I spend my money on each month.

Five.   For a couple months, I had a helper. My sister would come over almost daily to help with small tasks – dishes, sorting mail, grocery shop, laundry, etc. She helped me go through mountains of old paperwork and memorabilia that was hard for me to go through alone. She made the comment to my mother that she was the only one in the world that could do this for me right now – she was right. Often she would come over just to wake me up and bring me coffee, sometimes it was just to see how I was doing so she could report back to our parents so I wouldn’t have to, other times it was to make sure the trash got put out on the curb in time for pick up. If you have never experienced severe depression but you have a loved one going through it and you want to help, do this kind of stuff for them without commenting or criticizing. It is some of the best medicine and helps so much.

Six.   I have one friend that I have known my whole life. Luckily enough, she has two masters degrees in psychology. I was able to call her and text her and she would immediately be available and responsive. I don’t live near her, and we’re lucky if we get to see each other once a year, but every time it’s as if no time has passed. She helped me narrow down therapists when I began looking based on the possible diagnoses I had received. Having someone to help you steer when you make decisions like this without enacting their own agenda on your life is a blessing.

Seven.  I had a casual relationship with a man 9 years older than me during this time. This isn’t really something I did rather than it just being happenstance. We were 3 months in, and when I left my company he easily could have walked away. Instead, he called me almost every day to check on me. Even though this relationship was casual, temporary, and ended before the new year, having a romantic partner that thought I was worthwhile and attractive made a big difference.

Writing that out helps me look at some of the good things that happened these last several months. It also allows me to look at the people that were there and did help me, and it makes me feel unusually lucky. I am now less inclined to write what I was originally intending to write about, so maybe I won’t.

I was initially attempting to write about the ‘friends’ who were/are physically present but not emotionally supportive; about people who are taxing to my soul – those who take and never give. I was attempting to write about this because it is a topic I have to explore in therapy (about how I attract and cater to this kind of person, how I have no boundaries, etc.) and I don’t know where to start. I guess unintentionally starting with the positive is a good sign. I’ll leave it at that for now.

The picture above is from Yellowstone Park in Wyoming. Visited Summer 2008.