Invalidation

Worthiness or worthlessness is an ever state of being. How do we know which we are in the moment, and whom do we allow to make such a judgment? Are we ever in control of the imposed judgement? What do we do when something in our past that was considered worthy is now considered worthless?

I am an expert at allowing those around me tell me who I am. I bow down to their incorrect judgments and belittling comments. I let them tell my story for me. My true self is buried so deep that I don’t know where to find it. I’ve allowed this to happen so much that their words and judgments are the thoughts in my head; a narrative on repeat in my mind. I allow criticisms to become deep shame.

I attract this kind of person – the one that believes you incapable, the one that tells you your feelings are wrong, the one that should know you the best but paints you with the broadest brush, the one that expects you to be perfect, the one that wants you to give and provide in every scenario, the one that calls you crazy and paranoid, the one that holds you back and leads you astray, the one who invalidates you at every turn. The one that you believed in. The one that you still call ‘best friend’…

I take on everyone’s problems all the time and throughout my life have surrounded myself with peers who have made it my duty and purpose. As though my upbringing and position in life made it my responsibility to sacrifice everything I have – work, friendships, finances, health, school, home – for other’s gain.

When I was in sixth grade, my parents would give me $20 for lunch. This was supposed to last for several days. Instead, when my friends and peers found out I had $20 for my lunch, they would ask me to buy them lunch – you know, since I had plenty. Some wanted just a soda, some wanted a whole meal, others had packed lunches from home but wanted pizza instead. Every lunch I gave all of my money away, so I didn’t have enough for my own meal. There were many days I would go hungry. My parents would get angry with me and ask me why. I didn’t have a great answer – ‘because they asked’. Eventually my parents had to get the school involved and do some kind of credit at the cafeteria. I’d still use it for my friends. This is a metaphor for my whole life.

Isolation has been my only solution to stop being taken advantage of. Yes, I have a few supportive people in my life, none of which are near me. The only two people I see in a typical week are my therapist and yoga instructor. I get groceries delivered to avoid running into people.

This clearly cannot stay like this, because I’m miserable. I’m not sure which is more intimidating – meeting someone new only to be disappointed, or becoming stuck in the same loop with the same friendships.

The truth is, no one invalidates me like me. If the relationship I am forced to live through is the one with myself, I don’t have room for others who will perpetuate the habit.

Invalidation – The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.